How to manage difficult conversations at work
We’ve all avoided having difficult conversations at some point in our lives, whether with friends, family or colleagues. These uncomfortable conversations – whether you’re communicating to a client that their project is delayed or delivering negative feedback to a direct report — are an inevitable part of work life and people management. Our ability to confront these types of conversations plays an important role in breaking barriers at work, standing up for ourselves, leading teams, creating opportunities and clearing misunderstandings.
But how should you prepare for these types of conversations? In our webinar, “Mastering Difficult Conversations”, Uncommon’s founder and CEO Yolanda Lee breaks down this skill into actionable steps that can help you excel in your relationships and career, and build stronger teams and organizations that can thrive. Below, we outline some of the key takeaways.
Fight, flight, freeze or fawn
When people are asked how they generally deal with conflict, they often say they try to avoid it. One poll even reveals that over 80% of workers in the US are running away from at least one difficult conversation at work – a conversation they know is important to have, but are dreading. In the webinar, Yolanda shares the various common responses to difficult situations:
Fight: Fight mode is a common response when you feel attacked. For instance, when your boss asks why you didn’t deliver a project on time, your first reaction is to get defensive or blame other stakeholders on your team because you feel attacked.
Flight: If you believe you cannot overcome the perceived danger but can avoid it by running away, you’ll respond in flight mode. For example, you might be aware you have an underperformer on your team that’s affecting your KPIs, but you avoid having that conversation anyway.
Freeze: This response causes you to feel stuck. Freezing happens when your body doesn’t think you can flight or fight. Similar to the latter, freezing in a discussion means we don’t engage with it. Common signs of this response include feeling cold or numb or experiencing a sense of dread.
Fawn: This response typically occurs after an unsuccessful fight, flight or freeze attempt. Signs of fawning include going into a people-pleasing mode, being overly agreeable or helpful, or forsaking your own boundaries in a conflict.
In a live poll conducted in the webinar, we asked our audience how they typically respond to difficult conversations. Fawning, i.e. going into a people-pleasing mode, was the most common response. “Fawning has a gendered aspect to it. We can all embody some of these reactions at some point, but we tend to lean heavily on one particular response in a challenging confrontation,” Yolanda explains.
Whatever your gut reaction may be, here are some key takeaways on honing your ability to excel at these kinds of conversations.
Mastering difficult conversations: A 7-step framework
1. Look inwards. In the midst of a difficult conversation, it is common for us first to find fault and point fingers to blame others. Instead of a knee-jerk reaction to seek blame, try reflecting on: “Why do I want to have this conversation?” “What is my desired outcome?” “What if I don’t reach my desired outcome? How would that impact me?” Being clear on your true objectives is essential to framing a productive conversation.
2. Understand your markers of triggers. Spot the physical signs your body experiences when conversations get difficult. Does your stomach get tight? Do you struggle with eye contact? Noticing these elements of self-awareness can help you discern if you’re leaving your zone of safety.
3. Maintain safety. Understand your boundaries for safety. Be upfront and frank with yourself about your concerns, and don’t sugarcoat or downplay them.
4. Reflect on your internal stories. Check your assumptions and internal stories. Often, we don’t focus on the facts; rather, we ascribe stories around the facts. Depending on how we paint the story to be good or bad, we would react accordingly. It’s important to be conscious about how much we’re projecting a story onto a situation and how much of it is a fact.
5. S.T.A.T.E your path. Once we’ve done all the prep work, it’s now time to put your plan into action. Verbalize your intentions – being transparent helps facilitate productive conversations. For example, you might approach this by saying, “I’d like for us to express our concerns and put them all out on the table.” Ask what they’d like to achieve from the conversation, and be clear and explicit throughout. Yolanda offers a useful acronym, STATE, to put this to practice: Share your facts, Tell your story, Ask for the other person’s path of action, Talk tentatively, Encourage solutions
6. Explore the other person’s story. “Sometimes, we listen to win. We want to collect all the facts that validate our stand. However, listening to understand doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It’s about understanding how they got to that point or that conclusion. Empathising with the other person is a key step in coming towards a shared solution,” Yolanda shares. To begin asking for their story, a first step she suggests is mirroring their feelings and paraphrasing what they’ve communicated. Then, find common ground on what you agree on, and build on that based on details you or the other person might have missed.
7. Move towards action. Most people bypass the prep work and move into the solution phase, which can be counterintuitive if you want to achieve a productive and mutually beneficial conversation. Yolanda offers a few actionable insights to arrive at a positive outcome:
Dialogue is not decision-making. This is important when you want to move to action. Yolanda advocates that the fewer people in the room, the better. “Brainstorming to ideate is great, but when you need to take action, there is such a thing as too many cooks in the kitchen. Be clear about who needs to be there and who needs to be involved,” she explains.
Decide how to decide. There are different ways to arrive at a decision: this could involve consulting a third party, voting, or consensus. This could vary from situation to situation; work with the other party to decide how you’d choose to decide.
Make assignments. Divide and conquer the tasks. Decide who is responsible for different tasks or outcomes, determine whose support you’d need to see the desired outcome through and set timelines.
Lastly, document your work. This is important, particularly in a workplace setting. Document your learnings, and how you to improve and not repeat a similar mistake in the future.
For more valuable insights from the conversation, watch the full webinar replay on YouTube and download our communications diagnostics to supplement the discussion.
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