How to tell if you’re being gaslit at work – and what to do about it
It was recently announced that “gaslighting” was Merriam-Webster’s 2022 Word of the Year. Searches for the word on Merriam-Webster’s website increased by 1740% in 2022 compared to the year before.
There might be a surge in the cultural conversation around gaslighting, but the phenomenon is certainly not new – nor uncommon. On Glassdoor, the number of reviews where the word “gaslight” was mentioned has more than doubled (104%) since 2020. Research also shows that despite companies spending over $60 billion annually on leadership development, nearly 30% of bosses have been described as mildly or highly toxic. But what exactly is gaslighting, and how does it play out in the workplace?
What is gaslighting?
Merriam-Webster describes gaslighting as the psychological manipulation of an individual, typically over an extended period, causing the victim to “question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality or memories.” This usually leads to confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem and “the uncertainty of one’s emotional or mental stability.”
Examples of gaslighting at work can start with seemingly small slip-ups like withholding key information about a project or questioning or undermining your input during a discussion. They might even project their faults onto you, or hint at your incompetence. Gaslighters ultimately seek to control you by making you question your reality and self-worth.
In the event you try to stick up for yourself, you might be told that you either misinterpreted the situation or that you’re making it a bigger deal than necessary. Having your feelings undermined or invalidated will no doubt cause you to question yourself and your own recollection of events. This is precisely what the gaslighter is banking on: to confuse you and that you’ll ultimately take the blame upon yourself.
Gaslighting at work: Why it’s harmful
When we think of bullying, we often picture someone who harasses you in an obvious way – like a boss who screams and shouts or name-calls. Gaslighting, however, is more subtle. This makes it especially harmful due to its covert nature. While it’s obvious to spot visibly toxic leaders who are verbally abusive, it’s easier for gaslighters to fall under the radar. What’s worse is that these manipulative behaviours may fall into grey areas that don’t violate any specific HR policies.
Nicole Posner, a workplace mediator and conflict specialist shares that gaslighting disproportionately affects women in her experience, in an article on Worklife. This is because gaslighting commonly manifests when there is a power imbalance–like between a line manager and their direct report, for instance. Because women are often held to stereotypes of being too sensitive, they’re less likely to report it or address the situation due to fears of affirming those same stereotypes. This means they’re more likely to tolerate toxic situations, even if their self-esteem, career progression or mental health may take a hit.
What to do if you’re being gaslit at work
It’s difficult to thrive at work with a boss or colleague who actively undermines your achievements, invalidates your feelings and self-esteem and, blocks your opportunities and growth. If you suspect that you’re being gaslit, here are a few ways you can address the situation:
1. Keep receipts. If you feel like you are being gaslit or harassed at work, keep documentation of the dates, times and people involved. Take notes of your interactions with the perpetrator (ideally not on a company-owned device.) Where appropriate, copy other team members on emails. Having a written, real-time record of your interactions can make it harder for the gaslighter to backpedal on what they’ve said. It can also allow you to clearly assess and determine if you are being gaslit.
2. Know your truth. Gaslighters want to distort your sense of reality. To help you ground yourself in your own truth, it can be helpful to write things down as they are happening. Take time to sit with what you know and keep a journal about your interactions with the perpetrator. This can give you clarity and objectivity about the situation.
3. Activate your support network. Being gaslit or harassed at work can make you feel psychologically isolated, which is often the goal of the perpetrator. Lean on your trusted friends, partner or family to share what’s happening – a strong support network is critical when you’re dealing with an emotionally trying situation. This support system can give you the external validation you need to build your internal confidence and conviction about the situation, and remove any psychological or emotional hold a gaslighter might have on you. The more you stay quiet and downplay your reality, the more likely it is that you’ll doubt your version of the truth over time.
4. Set boundaries with your boss or coworker. Executive leadership coach and Uncommon coach Leila Sierra suggests using non-violent communication (a method, written by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg, that emphasizes empathetic listening and honest expression instead of aggression and defensiveness) to set clear boundaries and request that they speak with you with respect. Get clarity of what you want to achieve from that conversation and be clear with your requests. If you’re seeking more opportunities that they aren’t currently pushing you forward for, find out what you need to do specifically in order to be considered. Escalate the issue to HR should the situation persist. If the support from HR isn’t timely or doesn’t meet your expectations, explore other options to get the support you need to navigate this. This could look like setting help from a therapist, psychologist or coach if you feel that your mental health is being affected.
5. Don’t be afraid to disengage. As far as possible, minimize direct contact with the perpetrator. Avoid hallway conversations, casual coffees or lunches that you aren’t required to attend. Instead, spend that extra time and take the opportunity to connect with others in your team or organization. By building your network within your organization, you’re not only neutralizing the negative mental effects of a toxic boss or coworker but also actively forging connections with people that can endorse your skills and capabilities.
6. Protect your mental well-being. Working in close proximity to someone who undermines you can take a toll on your self-esteem and mental health. Do what you can to create distance between yourself and their toxic behaviours. View their words, actions and behaviour as separate from you. During face-to-face interactions, it might be helpful to imagine yourself wearing a protective shield that repels your boss’ or colleague’s disparaging comments. Leila also suggests imagining a TV or cinema frame when your perpetrator is talking. “This tip is very helpful, and allows you to disengage from the situation.”
7. Seek other opportunities within your organization. If quitting isn’t an option, there are ways you can remove yourself from a toxic manager or coworker without having to leave your company. Enquire about other positions within your organization that might interest you: meet with managers or colleagues in other teams or departments and think about where you can transition to next.
8. Consider leaving. Sometimes dealing with gaslighting in the workplace involves leaving that environment. While it’s not fair that you should leave, it’s worth weighing out how much it’s costing you emotionally. Various studies reveal the harmful emotional, physical and psychological effects of working for a toxic boss: employees who work for an abusive manager are at a higher risk of cardiovascular disease, diabetes, stroke and other serious health conditions. They’re also more susceptible to chronic stress, depression and anxiety. In addition, this toxicity can also spill over to other spheres of your life and impact your personal life and relationships.
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Uncommon is a private network for female leaders to connect, grow and thrive. We drive uncommon, candid conversations and provide resources that equip members to navigate various real-world situations and accelerate their life. The waitlist for our next cohort is now open: apply to join here.