During our February webinar “Balancing Dual Career Relationships”, we ask our panellists husband-and-wife duo Sonia Palmieri and Vikas Garg; wife-and-wife duo Sandrine Provoost and Denise Yu; and relationship therapist Theresa Pong how couples in ambitious careers can successfully tackle the challenges they will face throughout their lives together and thrive.

Dual-career couples are on the rise and fast becoming the norm. In Singapore, dual-career couples represent the largest group among married couples; a Mckinsey report also reveals that the majority of workers in the US are dual-career couples.  In Singapore, dual-career couples represent the largest group among married couples.

While dual-career couples enjoy benefits like greater financial freedom, it comes with its unique set of challenges – i.e. when those ambitions clash or trajectories don’t align. Some of these challenges could look like figuring out whose career takes a backseat with the arrival of a child or deciding to relocate for a partner’s career opportunity at the expense of another’s.

While not every person aspires to the corner office, the clash of ambitions that dual-career couples face has implications for women’s careers and their mobility in the workforce. There is data to suggest that women continue to disproportionately sacrifice their ambitions for their partners; a global survey of physicists by Women in Physics and Astronomy found that women were 346% more likely to decline a job for a spouse.

During our February virtual talk,  “Balancing Dual Career Relationships”, panelists husband-and-wife duo Sonia Palmieri and Vikas Garg, wife-and-wife duo Sandrine Provoost and Denise Yu and relationship therapist Theresa Pong discussed what the transitions they’ve faced in their dual-career coupledom and how couples in ambitious careers can successfully tackle the challenges they will face throughout their lives together and thrive. Here’s a roundup of the key takeaways from the discussion. Watch the full webinar here and download our resource sheet here. 

1. Dual-career couples face a set of three predictable transitions

In “Couples That Work”, author and organizational behaviour professor at INSEAD Jennifer Petriglieri, who studied over 100 dual-earning couples, found that dual-career couples faced three predictable transitions. 

The first transition (which occurs usually within the first 3-5 years of a relationship) is about how couples can practically combine two careers and two lives on a single path that supports them both. The second transition is often the most stressful period of the couple's lives; in figuring out whose careers are a priority and what they want out of life, couples can tend to polarize in their identities. One might be the more ambitious one, and the other becomes the ‘holder’ of the family. As time goes on, these roles can become quite constraining for the individual and require a different type of support from the other partner.  

The third transition is often around purpose. It often occurs at a stage when partners become more senior in their careers; there might be a sense of loss around kids leaving the nest, or a slowing down in their careers. On the flip side, it can also present an opportunity for couples to rediscover the joys and freedom they once enjoyed together collectively or individually.

The first time Sonia and Vikas encountered this turning point in their ten-year marriage was when they had an opportunity to move for Vikas’ career – a decision that meant Sonia would have to leave her then role at an investment bank. “Vikas and I met at the beginning of my career. We’ve relocated twice  – the first from New York to Sacramento, California; next from California to Singapore. The catalyst for both those moves were Vikas’ career. Within the first few months of our marriage, we had to decide if we wanted to move for Vikas’ career, who’d received a big role for a prestigious pension fund,” Sonia shares.

In speaking with her father then, she was surprised by his advice. “I thought he’d say to follow my own path, but instead he told me that there are points in a marriage where your partner’s career takes priority over your own – and this might be one where Vikas’ career would take precedence. That was a big learning moment for me. Throughout our marriage, we’ve faced a lot of these different scenarios which we’ve had to figure out how to navigate. Not everything in life can be perfectly equal all the time, and sometimes you need to give and take.”

2. The myth of 50:50

Former US first lady Michelle Obama recently made headlines when she said she “couldn’t stand” her husband Barack Obama for a decade while the couple’s children were young. In frank comments on a panel, Obama said that raising children had put strains on her three-decade marriage to Barack Obama, the US president for two four-year terms beginning in 2009. She also goes on to famously say that “marriage isn’t 50/50 – ever, ever.” 

For couple Sandrine and Denise, balance is about playing to each others’ strengths. “50:50 never came into play for us. We got together because our life vision was very similar; the ideas we had about how to raise a child and how we’d want to retire were also aligned. There are things that Sandrine excels in – like planning our family vacation itinerary – that I’d get bored doing. Likewise, there are tasks like doing our taxes and expenses that I’m strong at,” Denise shares. 

3. Communicate – openly, frequently and honestly – through these transitions

So how can dual-career couples thrive together? In her book “Couples That Work”, Petriglieri found that dual-career couples who thrived in both their work and lives had two things in common: they actively and honestly communicated through these transitions, and made concrete plans on how to approach them. 

Theresa recommends navigating these transitions around your common goals. “We’re constantly growing and changing; and at every stage, we face different challenges and even have different ways of thinking. Constant communication with your partner helps you stay connected at every stage of your lives.”

An actionable way to keep communication open in your relationship is by having a weekly State of the Union conversation. According to relationship scientist and psychologist Dr. John Gottman, a State of the Union conversation can help you stay connected and engaged in your relationship in an otherwise distracting world. This is a regular time to reflect on the relationship and share both things that are working well and things that need to be addressed. To facilitate this, he recommends: 

1. Sharing 5 things you appreciate about your partner

2. Talk about what went right in the relationship

3. Select an issue to talk about, process or resolve

4. Ask your partner what you can do in the next week to make them feel more connected the next week

“We cannot anticipate challenges like retrenchment, grief or adhoc setbacks in life,” Theresa explains. “As such, something I always encourage in my clients is the need for curiosity and empathy. In a relationship, curiosity allows you to open that conversation to find out what your partner is going through. Being able to understand their point of view means you can better extend empathy towards their situation. Empathy and curiosity are key in building a strong foundation that’ll help you navigate the ups and downs you face in life.”

Watch the full webinar replay below.

Get access to on-demand replays of all our Uncommon virtual talks and webinars here.

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